Stuff I need to tell Miranda Kerr..

13 Comments

Miranda Kerr’s recent engagement to Snapchat wunderkind Evan Spiegel has spawned a new social class – or at least a new sub-set of WAGS (wives and girlfriends). Thanks to the union of the supermodel and the precocious tech billionaire the world now has a fresh reservoir of potential reality TV fodder – the TWAGs Tech Wives and Girlfriends (not to be confused with Tennis Wives and Girlfriends.)

miranda-kerr-couples-up-with-snapchat-ceo-evan-spiegel-social1 med

Tech’s new King and Queen

The trash mags have been busy pulling a number of high profile TWAGs out of their collective wazoos. Super babes who chose to fish at the nerdy end of the billionaire lake  include Taylor Swift hanger-oner Karly Kloss , model Lily Cole and Australia’s own Kirsty Hinze.

Johnny Depp’s ex Amber Heard is rumored to be ‘hanging out’* with Elon Musk (who any self respecting TWAG should know is the inspiration behind Tony Stark – if you don’t know who Tony Stark is click away and go watch Offspring.) And in these post feminist times the boys are getting in on the action. We now have Tech Husbands and Boyfriends (THABs). The poster boy being  actor and thinking woman’s crumpet (literally) Joseph Gordon Levitt who recently married the co-founder and CEO of robotics company Fellow Robots. (Oh my. Now that’s my kind of Founder Hounder).

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JGL – popular Hollywood actor and Founder Hounder

As an early adopter I would just like to take the opportunity to put on my thick rimmed hipster spectacles and announce ‘I was into it before it was cool’. I’m an early adopter. I’ve been a TWAG since 2004.

Having boldly gone where no super model has gone before, I’d like to borrow from my knowledge and experience to offer Miranda, Karly, Lily, Joseph et al some connubial advice.

Imagine the junior TWAGs and Joseph sitting in the Chez Abulous courtyard, sharing a bottle of rose (The $20 stuff – not the cheap piss) and a cheese platter with Mum-abs the supreme TWAG cougar, holding court. (Should Miranda, Karly and Lily’s invites get lost in the post and it ends up a one on one session with Joseph – that’s fine by me).

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This will do nicely

Here’s what I would tell my underlings about marrying into the tech fraternity.

Its not all beer and skittles

Contrary to popular opinion life in the tech world is not all disruptive start-ups, riding the next unicorn and large equity chunks in high profile IPOs. Marriage to a tech type presents unique challenges – like;

Nerd culture 

Outside of a tub of yoghurt is there any other kind? As a tech spouse you’d better know your DC from your Marvel, your Dr Strange from your Dr Who and your GRRM from your JRRT.

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Its Dr Stange not Dr Who

Religious devotion

You know the saying – ‘God made man in his own image and ever since man has been returning the favor’. IT types take this notion to the next level. Some (including my husband and Elon Musk) firmly believe that the universe and everything in it is a computer simulation designed by an alien intelligence.

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Elon Musk thinks the universe is computer simulation but hawt chix still wanna bone him because billionaire.

When pressed on why they believe this they might argue that the laws of physics are far too convenient too be random. However in my opinion, it merely reflects what they would do if bestowed with God-like omnipotence*. A bit like me believing the entire universe is the set of an epic TV show with a smorgas bord of crumpet for a cast. I declare that the universe is the set of Vikings.

The Bible

Opinions about cosmology may vary but there is one universal religious text.

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So ladies and Joseph keep calm and know that if your spouse mentions Slartibartfast its not toilet humor. Other important things to know include the relevance of the number 42, the intellectual superiority of lab mice and the importance of always carrying a towel.

High praise

Calling a fellow IT denizen a ‘reasonable programmer’ is the highest praise that one can  bestow.

Fix my computer

People will treat your spouse like their personal IT support desk. We have friends who only come out of the woodwork only when something has gone wrong with their computer, or media centre or wi-fi. On the positive you’ll often get invited to a BBQ meal so your spouse can remedy the issue.

Have you tried turning it off and on?

Marriage to a tech guy means a lifetime of IT support on tap. However when you regale them with problems like ‘the screen’s locked’ they’ll occasionally suggest ‘turning it off and on.’

When you respond with Christopher Pyne face they’ll assure you that they are not imitating Roy from the IT Crowd and are in fact serious. Meanwhile it usually fixes the problem.

Chris Pyne

My face when my husband asks if I have tried turning it off and on.*

Wardrobe malfunction

All a man needs in his wardrobe is a collection of novelty T-shirts.

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My husband in his favorite T-shirt (not really but it could be)

Educational material

This is a documentary.

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In fact everyone should watch HBO’s superb comedy Silicon Valley – the joys of which deserve their own blog post. This show has echoed my reality.

But this is the ultimate documentary.

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The ultimate insight into tech life. PS: Gotta love Mossy and Roy.

And this by contrast is total crap.

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Very hawt and engaging crap but crap nonetheless.

If you build it they will come

Don’t ever insult your spouse’s intelligence by suggesting that they buy a device ‘off the shelf’. It is far better to order the various components and create a bespoke model. This means there is will be hard drives, metal boxes and screw drivers all over your house.

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They can wield a power tool as easily as a mouse. PS Gotta love Guilfoyle

So Miranda, Joseph and the rest of the Padwans consider yourself forewarned and forearmed.  Over the last 12 years my husband and I have journeyed from nerdy into deep nerdiness but I would not have it any other way.

In the meantime TWAGs and THABs I wish you every happiness.

Do you have any well meaning advice for Miranda?

Love

Mumabulous

* Where ‘hanging out’ means shagging like bunnies on viagra.

* Some already believe Elon Musk has God-like omnipotence.

* As you know a Christopher Pyne must always be offset with a Christopher Pine.

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13 thoughts on “Stuff I need to tell Miranda Kerr..

  1. Bahahaha!!! I give Miranda and Mr Snapchat 24 months tops. Did you read her quote about how even though he’s much younger than her “he acts like his 50” WTF??

  2. I think we married the same man. You, my dear, are too clever for words.

  3. Oh hahahahhahah Miranda is a TWAG. (PS I had NFI she was even shacking up again – did she not learn her lesson last time!). To be honest, I think her nerd husband will always struggle with the fact that he is walking in the footsteps of fucking LEGOLAS, for god’s sake.

  4. Elon Musk….ahhhhhhh. So smart! Tho I am dubious about Space X….

  5. Lol. I think I married a closet tech nerd. Whilst he doesn’t do it for a living he is inclined to be handy with it and I can see lot of similarities listed here. I personally would have stuck with Orlando if I was Miranda 😛

  6. Oh hahaha! Yes, all my IT mates are Mossy and Roy all over. Setting fires here, keeping a Noel Fielding-esque mate hidden there…

  7. Ok, I got distracted by JGL part way through…

  8. So I know who Tony Stark is now! Google had me keeping up with this, which is basically how I keep with anything! I am so not tech savvie.

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