Social experiment – Mumabs watches The Bachelor


A nation wide water cooler conversation has been going on since 2013 which I’m effectively locked out of.  Don’t hate me but I’m  yet to watch a full episode of The Bachelor. Some people will have a hard time believing this. Like this Huff Poster for example –

Seriously – I’m not pretending – I truly don’t watch the Batchie and can only discuss it in terms of the snippets I’ve absorbed from headlines and hilarious recaps.

Over the last few days I’ve indulged in some intense navel gazing to try and fathom why I don’t participate in this cultural phenomena.

I ask myself is it because the entire premise is anti-feminist? Well it’s as anti-feminist as fuck but I dont feel all entertainment should be recalibrated through a feminist lense. Besides the existence of The Bachelorette offsets this argument somewhat.

Is it because my inner hipster deems it too ‘basic’? Well no – I fan gurl over a lot of lowbrow stuff. I mean – I care deeply about the Brienne/Tormund/Jaime love triangle (Game of Thrones)  which hardly makes for cerebral dinner party conversation.


Meet Adrian – my inner hipster.

My resistance to The Bachelor comes down to three factors.

  1. The Husband factor – The amount of shade Dadabs would throw my way for watching this tripe would be unbearable. I am already subject to frequent rants about the dumbing down of society without throwing reality TV into the mix. In the meantime Dadabs loves nothing more than a spot of Deep Space Nine followed by a Battlestar Galatica chaser. Hmmmm
  2. The aint nobody got time fo’ dat factor – TV viewing time is a scarce commodity. Hence as a rational consumer I strive to maximize the amount of sword wielding beefcake my eye can cop in the limited hours I have.
    Utred med

    which means prioritizing Uhtred here above the entire reality TV canon.

    Meanwhile furnish Ritchie with a pair of leather dacks and a  medieval arsenal and I’m in like the proverbial Flynn.

    errol med

    When it comes to Swashbucklers I’m in like Errol.

  3.  The pain factor. I dont want to watch a show about dating, mating and relating. As an alumni of the Sydney’s urban singles scene I can tell you that dating, mating and relating sux. Love is a battlefield and women like me, who don’t quite fit the Barbie doll mold, nearly always LOSE. The ritual rejection on the Batchelor dredges up painful memories. Seeing women competing be chosen by some vaguely attractive crumpet is personally excruciating because I spent my entire 20s NOT being chosen*.

All good reasons. However as a wise person once said ‘dont knock it until you’ve tried it’. I  decided to put my personal prejudices aside and give The Batchie a red hot go.

Here’s how I fared.

I watched some of Episode 4 on catch up TV while my husband was out. I only lasted 20 minutes because I had to go and met a friend for lunch. It’s important to have a life. My impressions are listed.

  1. Whoa!!! The camera zooms in on the gaggle of sexy laaaadies and you’re whacked in the face with boobs the size of car airbags. The teeth are so blindingly white they could trigger and epileptic fit.  I never knew so much bleach blonde hair could exist outside the Gold Coast.

    Bach_Main med

    El mucho boobs and blonde hair.

  2. To be fair they’ve really mixed things up by including a blonde woman with a slightly smaller (read natural) bust – because she is pin thin. Seriously I think I spotted four brunettes in the group.

    richie-bette-dog med

    The beefcake shot had to be done. Sorry. Not Sorry.

  3. Ritchie is actually well – nice. He doesn’t seem a complete douche. He’s not slick and there’s genuineness about him which shines through despite the risible lines.

    Ritchie med

    It cant be an easy gig having to talk shite all the goddamn time.

  4.  On the date with Faith he said he was looking for a ‘deeper connection’. What self respecting straight man says shite like that?  I’m sure what he really meant was in the immortal words of Kevin Bloody Wilson –  Cause you’ve got a nice head. And you look pretty honest. So me face’ll be leavin’ in quart of an hour. I’d like you to be on it.
  5. What the heck is the white rose all about?
  6. In positioning herself as the mean girl Keira is  guaranteed a B list career long after the season wraps. She might even be the next Bachelorette or at the very least gain a spot on the next Celebrity Apprentice with Mark Bouris. Mark Bouris is a silver fox.

    Keira med

    Keira the bad girl will be on the B list for some time.

  7. Keira and Eliza are scrapping over some shite. I know its manufactured drama but does anyone truly carry on like this?
  8. Alex is acting like a lame arse pork chop at the cocktail party. Oh dear God she’s actually crying. Grow a set of hairy ones girl.
  9. TEN Play wont let you fast forward through the fucking ads. No cougar should have to put up with this.
  10. So many Gosford skirts (just below The Entrance) worn on the group date. The girls have got it and they’re flaunting it.
  11. This group date is a cruel and unusual punishment.Ballroom dancing with a seven to one female to male ratio is just evil. I mean Ramsay Snow was nicer to Theon Greyjoy.

    Ramsay Snow

    Here’s some Ramsay for you Hugzilla.

  12. Ritchie’s apparently looking for someone ‘cheeky and sassy who can take the waltz in a new direction’. Try the Mumabs Ritchie! Cheeky tick, Sassy tick and so uncoordinated I can take the waltz in every direction there is.Tick!
  13. The bleating about drowning in Ritchie’s eyes is making me want to give up my morning tea (hummus chips).
  14.  Poor Ritchie looks like he hates himself, God bless ‘im.
  15. So many fairy lights. So so many fairy lights. Fairy lights out the wazoo. Too many fairy lights are never enough. Meanwhile the power surge caused by these fairy lights has triggered rolling black outs all over Sydney.
  16. Much has been made of Osher’s hair. For good reason. Its astounding. Send a sample to the CSIRO for chemical analysis now!

    Osher med

    Osher’s hair the hardest substance in the known universe

  17. Not many of these lips look natural. Is there a collagen specialist on set? Is he single?
  18. Those teeth. There has to be dentist in the production team? As someone whose child has recently had fillings I can tell you ladies – the dentist is the one to go for. Ker ching, Ker ching!
  19. Check the topiary – must be some pretty hawt gardeners to distract the girls whilst they sit around all day waiting for Ritchie.
  20. Mmmmmmmm. Hawt gardeners with big shears.
Tuscan-style-house-behind med

A team of 20 hawt gardeners must work full time on this.

The verdict. What a gut churning load of horse shit

Would I watch it again? Sure – shite’s addictive.

So cougars.. The Bachelor do you love it or loathe it? Sell me.



* Don’t cry for me Argentina. I’ve been in a great relationship for 12 years and my husband is quite frankly a catch.

16 thoughts on “Social experiment – Mumabs watches The Bachelor

  1. God I love you. A laugh a paragraph. I will be repeating that Kevin bloody Wilson line to my husband again as we both ROFLOAO. Also the Gosford skirt line! We used to refer to them as Submarine skirts (just below ‘C’ level).
    BTW have you checked out the TV show ‘animal kingdom’. Crumpet galore in that show. Xxxx

  2. I can sympathise with Number 2 “The aint nobody got time fo’ dat factor”. I only have about one hour between my sleeping tablet and the three glasses of Chardy to take effect before I fall asleep so I have to make that hour count. I usually wind up watching a doco about penguins and dream about rabid leopard seals chasing me all night.

  3. BAHAHAHAHAHA! I admit to never having watched an episode too, although I’ve caught snippets here and there. Watching seemingly intelligent women scrag fight over a dude chosen purely for his 6 pack (can’t be his personality, surely) reminds me too much of high school. Urgh.

  4. No, I don’t watch it. It is as un-femmo as you can get. I just don’t have the stomach for it. I’d rather a sword wielding Viking or sick hottie with killer dogs or a sexy Scot in a time travel epic. I like my fantasy to be far removed from my reality and nothing to do with actual people! But this was worth reading, because pictures and the signature Mumabs flair for male appreciation shone through!

  5. HAHAHA! I had admit to never having watched an episode either, the whole premise makes me feel like I need a shower. And also vomit a little in my mouth. Urgh.

  6. Hehehe! I’ve never heard the expression Gosford Skirt before but I love it! I haven’t yet watched an episode of The Bachelor but I suspect if I did I’d get sucked in trying to predict which girl wil ennd up with Ritchie and end up watching the whole series and I’d really rather not!

  7. As a consumer of shite, I do love a good train wreck with some dramaaah and watching people have ‘real’ reactions to ridiculous situations. My brain does hurt with it though sometimes in which case I read Rosie’s Recaps and laugh my arse off. I laughed my arse off here too except hummus chips? Is this chips with hummus or chips made out of hummus? I’m intrigued. :P!

  8. Strangely enough, given my propensity for watching shite, I have not watched the Bachelor. I felt like maybe I should, so that I could be involved in some of the FB conversations about it, but I just can’t bring myself to watch it. There are not a lot of hours for watching TV around here so when I’m in front of the box it’s gotta be something I’m really enjoying, or that has way more than one hot guy in it! I’m currently watching Chicago Fire and slowly but surely becoming a Taylor Kinney fan. I’m just hanging for the Walking Dead to come back on, it’s been way too long!

  9. Hello, did I leave a message before or was it eaten by wifi gremlins?? I am just not not not going to watch this rubbish… how can people let themselves be filmed being so LAAAAAAAMe!??

  10. Aaarrgggghhh… third time lucky to comment…. I can’t bear this show … it’s so lame. How can they DO THAT to themselves… arrghhhhh….. but you did make me laugh!

  11. My hubby wonders why I watch it because he calls me a feminist but I love watching the bitching, the outfits, the bullshit and stupid comments. Oh and I don’t have to concentrate.

  12. Haven’t watched, can’t stand the premise (not sure why) though I suspect the thought of the years I also spent on the Sydney singles scene makes me shudder at the thought of a tv show about the horrors of it all.
    I would rather watch paint dry than The Batchie frankly.

  13. I’ve never watched an episode nor do I plan to do so any time soon! My 70 yr old mum loves it though!

  14. I really can’t stomach it either, which is surprising because I can watch any old crap most of the time (Real Housewives), but the incessant bitching on this one gets to me. Maybe I’m getting too old….

  15. Yes, Richie does seem like the real deal and not a total douche. Especially when he needs to pat his dog with his shirt off…LOL!
    I’ve never watched an episode of The Bachelor. Sorry, but I’d rather swallow razor blades.

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