The Worst Songs

21 Comments

Are you familiar with the AV Club? http://www.avclub.com/

Its a website where highly educated bright young things wax pretentious about the popular culture. I love it. It’s  inextratably* up my alley – a shinning beacon of pointless intellectualizing amid the guff that is my daily Facebook feed.

Recently I clicked on an AV Club piece arguing that  ‘We built this city’ by Starship is worst song of all time.

http://www.avclub.com/article/read-how-we-built-city-became-worst-song-ever-242032

It’s contentious claim. In fact it caused the internet to meltdown as people rushed to the site to dispute it in the comments. Opinions being like arseholes, everyone had a view as to which shanty should take the musical wooden spoon.

The Meatloaf canon was mentioned ALOT. Some people can’t abide ‘I would do anything for love (but I wont do that)’. Personally I dont mind it. I can relate to the over arching thematic.  I wont do that either. Mind you its a moot point. Being fat and 46 years old no one is requesting that I do that. My husband is too polite.

‘Red, red wine’ by UB40 copped an unnecessary flogging. As did Charlene’s ‘I’ve been to paradise’.  There’s an incredible amount of hate in the world for  ‘Who let the dogs out’ whilst ‘Ice, ice baby’ makes some want to smash their radio.  I disagree with the latter.There is a cheesy joy in belting out the lines

If there was a problem
Yo, I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Ice ice baby Vanilla
Ice ice baby Vanilla
Ice ice baby Vanilla
Ice ice

You’re singing along – aren’t you cougars!

Regardless I’m just glad that the internet sees fit to have this conversation. Shite music is a scourge on society and must be stopped. Here are the songs that I would like deleted permanently from the playlist. In no particular order.

Hotel room service – Pitbull

Lordy I hate this. As you know Mumabs is not a prude and if people want to sing about cheap sex they can do it all night long (see what I did there) for all I care. But this song is just foul as is the accompanying video clip. In it  Pitbull implores a gaggle of hawt chix to

 Forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room,
You can bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel room

So not only does this idiot think he can cut some brother’s grass, he’s going for a little orgy action. It only gets worse

Your man just left,

I’m the plumber tonight,
I’ll check your pipes,
Oh, you’re the healthy type

Plumbing metaphors are the ultimate aphrodisiac – NOT.  Even if Pitbull looked like Sam Heugan this crass sexism would  be unacceptable (though perhaps a little tempting). However  he is a front runner for the ugliest man alive. Butt ugly rappers celebrating the gang bangs they can pull epitomizes all that is wrong with capitalist society.

Pitbull-Hotel-Room-Service

Dont let this jerk anywhere near your plumbing.

Love story – Taylor Swift

Yes I have an issue with Taylor Swift. She turned my favorite crumpet into a pork chop.Now millions of former Hiddleswooners are frantically swapping their leave passes for less embarrassing celebrities. Anyone who hasn’t been photographed in  an ‘I love T Swift T-top’ qualifies.
Taylor-Swift-and-Tom-Hiddleston-1

Pork chops. Just add apple sauce.

In spite of all that, I don’t think she’s a bad person and I don’t mind her musically. Bad blood, Wildest dreams, Blank space, We never go out of style are all catchy toe tappers. But Love Story is the tweest thing ever laid down in a studio. It was written for Disney obsessed nine year olds. How Hiddles went from  Shakespearean theater to
And I said Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting, all there’s left to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
It’s a love story baby just say yes
is beyond me.
Frigging in the riggin – various
No good can possibly come of starting a ditty with the lines –
Aboard the good ship Venus
By Christ you should have seen us
The downward spiral is inevitable. Enough said.
Don’t cha – The PussyCat Dolls
When a posse of ex-strippers come together to sing expectations are low. Skimpy outfits and monotonous butt wiggling is par for the course. However what they came up with is just mean spirited.
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha
What happened to sistahs before mistahs you pack of judgmental bitches.  Meanwhile this song makes Dadabs yell at the car radio – ‘No I dont wish my girlfriend was vain and conceited like you. You cow!’
pCD

Dadabs doesn’t wish I was hawt like them. (which is sweet)

 

The power of love – Céline Dion
Cause I am your lady
And you are my man
Whenever you reach for me
I’ll do all that I can
Aaaaaargh – its the musical equivalent of fingernails down a chalk board. Someone in my family circle had this atrocity as their bridal waltz. They are now divorced. I rest my case.
Celine

One woman has caused so much pain for so many.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me – The Bellamy Brothers
 This is one the worst pick up lines of all time set to music. Country music. The hapless victim is damned regardless of whether they answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and forced to respond impolitely with ‘F$#k Orf! Idiot!’
I wonder if whether in the history of pulling crumpet  this line has ever worked. Imagine its the late 1978s. You go back to some flares clad, mustachioed Burt Reynolds type’s pad for a (ahem) Moccona and he puts this clunker on the turn table. Truly I would rather be asked if that’s a mirror in my pants.
BB

No I will not hold my beautiful body against you and that’s NOT a mirror in my pants (unless Aiden Turner is asking)

Burn for you – John Farnham
In middle age many are afflicted by minor yet unpleasant ailments. Songs like Burn for you bring these to the front of mind.
When old Whispering Jack warbles (as happens quite frequently on Smooth FM)
Burn for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
What am I gonna doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I can only answer ‘Well I dont know Whispering Jack. You might try Anusol.’
Similarly when the Bangles inquire ‘Is this burning an eternal flame’, the first response that comes to mind is ‘No its haemorrhoids but it feels like a f#@king eternal flame. Thanks for asking.’
JF

Whispering Jack is in pain

 Milkshake – Kelis
 One of the most lampooned songs of this century for good reason.
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like,
Its better than yours,
Damn right its better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge
Much like the 1980 Village People song of the same name this is not really about a dairy confection. I suspect (though it might be my dirty mind at play here) its about the noble art of fellatio. Again I am not a prude and I have no problem with people wanting to hone such skills . However practicing on all the boys in the yard is simply unhygienic. It makes a mess of the yard for one thing. Furthermore since when did the humble blowie become a competitive sport?
spocks-milkshakes-bring-all-the-boys-to-the-yard
56524-Joseph-Ducreux-Milkshake-meme-SNyn
c8d
And finally – the gong for the worst song of all time goes to
Kevin’s cortin’ song (D’ya f&%k on first dates) – Kevin Bloody Wilson
 The long and illustrious career of Kevin Bloody Wilson contains so many low points that choosing an absolute worst was nigh impossible. Classics like ‘Grandpa’s got a stiffy’ and ‘Rootin’ in the ute’ are hard to top. Then there’s my personal favorite, the resonate ‘Stick that f%$king fone, right up your f%^king arse.’  However nothing is more more dismal to female ears than
Do you f&*k on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show ’em to me?
Cause you’ve you’ve got a nice head
And you look pretty honest
So me face’ll be leavin’ in a quarter of an hour–
I’d like you to be on it
I don’t hate it because its rude, crude and vulgar. I hate it because it succinctly encapsulates what every man who has ever approached a woman was really thinking. I dare say Mr Darcy himself was humming this internally throughout the events of Pride and Prejudice and that is beyond depressing.
Pride and predjudice
How about you?
What songs make you want to rip your ears off?
Love Mumabulous
Dishonorable mentions:
Achy breaky heart – Billy Ray Cyrus. Because you should everything at least once except incest and line dancing.
The well hung plough boy – Rodney Rude. This piece of smut reads like it was penned by a grotty Year 9 boy but Mr Rude was well into middle age when he released it.
Anaconda – Nicki Minaj. This song makes IQ points bleed out of your ears.
I’m so into you – Ariana Grande. Its not that bad. I’m just f#$king sick of it.

* Not technically a word. Nevertheless some stuff can not be extracted from my alley and will be lodged there permanently. The works of Neil Gaiman for example.

Asian_roots_Celebrities_41

For no reason I give you Keanu – he cant act for shit but he is very beautiful.

 

21 thoughts on “The Worst Songs

  1. Had a good LOL over this post (especially since I was quite publicly caught out rapping along with Vanilla Ice this morning! I can’t stand that stupid misogynistic Blow My Whistle song. It’s foul.

  2. I’ve always hated Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart, even though I’m in no position to judge considering my taste in music…

  3. OMG OMG you can not be dissing on Love Story by Taylor Swift. I will not abide this. And you’ve also just blown my mind because I always thought Milkshake was about her tits. And stuff that men…..ahhhh. do with tits…. This is one of the great philosophical conundrums of our time.

  4. Blurred Lines gets my vote. Cannot stand it. And Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me. My brother played it on repeat for about six months. I could hear it from 150 kms away. GAH. And – controversially – I cannot STAND Love Shack.

    • Honey came in and she caught me red handed creeping with the girl next door. And he tries to deny it!!!!
      Meanwhile many people take a dim view of Love Shack but I still like it. In my defense I have never pretended to be cool.

    • Yes, I would agree with Blurred Lines. I remember being at a wedding and the band started with this song and I thought, this is going to be such a shit band and they were. Thanks for linking in with the Ultimate Rabbit Hole – guest host, Shari from GoodFoodWeek xo

  5. I am so not into these (well, many of them!) songs because of my age!! But, my biggest gripe about song lyrics is that LITTLE kids sing them and their meaning is often very inappropriate. Makes my blood boil too, when I see the same kids dancing in brief items of clothing …ok…I am stopping now!! Denyse #teamIBOT

  6. I cannot stand that ‘I will walk 10000 miles and I would walk 10000 more’. Drives me crazy. Hate, hate, hate it. I also don’t like anything by Meatloaf and that Celine Dion song is way too much for me.

  7. Oh I hated Milkshake. I SO didn’t get that song!

  8. Keanu Reeves memes make me laugh so much. Whoever writes them seems to be peeking through a window to my soul. I am as dumb as Keanu Reeves memes. My most unfavourite song is the one where they sing about ‘shit pains’. Apparently it’s called Glamorous by the Black Eyed Peas but I call it the “Shit Pain’ song. I never want to have shit pains. They’d be awful.

  9. Oh you left me with Keanu. I’m speechless now. That man gets me every time.

  10. I submit, for your review:

    “That Don’t Impress Me Much” – Shania Twain
    “I Want To Know What Love Is” – Foreigner
    “Sk8ter Boi” – Avril Lavigne (the spelling alone makes me twitch)
    “Yellow” – Coldplay
    “My Heart Will Go On” – Celine Dion

    These are the first to come to my head, I don’t want to dwell on it further lest I be infected with ear worms.

  11. Love this list, and that pic of Keanu is lovely!
    I’d like to add most of Rihanna’s songs to this list, particularly Shut Up And Drive.
    Also, most songs by Coldplay and Oasis. Both bands just bore me.

  12. I would pay that Starship song as the worst song in the history of the world. And I’m not forgetting “What about me”, it’s a close second. Milkshake gets a late save from the disgusting, disturbing rendition at the end credits of Dodgeball. It’s strangely hypnotic appeal superimposes itself over the original….

  13. Oh my giddy aunt I haven’t thought about Friggin in the Riggin since my wayward youth! Same goes for Kevin Bloody Wilson. The worst ear worms EVER are now stuck in my brain. As for my personal worst of the worst, I actually agree with We Built This City. I seriously hate that song. Newer ones? Blurred Lines is repugnant. I hate that one all the more because people tell me I should lighten up about it but I find the lyrics disturbing. Anything by Little Mix because they make my daughters sing highly inappropriate lyrics at the tops of their voices. I could go on…so much to hate… 😉

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