First World Problems – Halloween

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I don’t know how it crept into our culture but at some point over the past three decades Australians have eagerly embraced Halloween. I wish the nation could unembrace it because frankly  Halloween is a pain up my wazoo.

Back in the good old days all we knew of Halloween (and indeed of much of life in general) we learned from American sit coms. Upon questioning my parents about why missed all the  fun I was told (and I paraphrase) –

That is sepo garbage and we’re not the 51st State of the USA yet.

The term ‘sepo’ of course comes from ‘septic tank’ rhyming slang for yank. That sort of turn of phrase is now as rare as the humble septic tank itself and I kind of miss it. Anyhow I accepted that ‘sepo’ garbage was somehow damaging despite consuming American TV and music on a daily basis and that Halloween was un-Australian. Australians did ANZAC Day not Halloween.

Gradually, almost imperceptibly the celebration gained a foothold on our shores. Since the 1980s with every passing year the ranks of trick or treaters swelled until it became the raging tsunami it is today.

Halloween’s origins are sexy enough. Back in pre Roman times the Celts celebrated the festival of Samhain. This massive party  involved lighting bonfires, dressing up as animals and a whole lot of mystical shite. It sounds like quite a rave. Keep in mind that the Celts were hawt and are best known for their innovative tattoo designs.

Annual Bonfire Season Begins On England's South Coast

Halloween used to be about getting pissed around a bonfire much like cracker night.

 

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As evidenced by gift store art – the Celts were hawt.

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And they had hawt tattoo designs if you like that kind of thing. (I personally dont but whatever floats your boat)

This went on for several centuries before the Romans butted in. As you know the Romans were also hawt and fond of orgies. When they conquered Britain they merged Samhain with two of their own festivals – the Feralia which  commemorated the passing of the dead and the Pomona which celebrated the Goddess of trees and fruit.

The festival underwent further permutations throughout the middle ages but the main thrust remained the same – bonfires, dress ups, booze and mystic shite.

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Here’s the hawt Roman goddess Pomona

Fast forward a couple of thousand years and we have a commercial behemoth – $6 billion is spent on Halloween shite in the US alone. I say shite because the overwhelming majority of Halloween  paraphernalia is cheap plastic junk made the the lowest possible manufacturing standards.

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Aisle upon aisle of plastic crappola

For the young and hawt October 31 has morphed into a prime excuse to dress ‘sexy’ ala Mean Girls. Not that the young and hawt need such an excuse – sexiness is de rigueur on weekend.

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Pretty much standard attire at the Coogee Pavilion on a Friday night

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And whats wrong with teaming underwear and mouse ears anyway?

For the primary school set its an excuse to binge on sugar. And binge they do. Halloween is a sugar orgy of Caligulan proportions. As it falls inconveniently this year on a Monday night there’s no parental boozing to mollify our kids’ inevitable sugar rush and statistically probable melt down.

The most annoying thing about it for this Halloween grinch is having to procure two costumes. Didn’t Book Week just end? Do I really have to do this dress up thing again, so soon?

Honestly I’m quite looking forward to my daughters entering the slutty mouse costume phase because I’ll have no involvement in it. They’ll chose their own lingerie and mouse ears and that will be that. However right now I have had to glue f*%king cotton wool to a head band because my nine year old wants to go as an ice cream sundae with sprinkles. Imaginative – yes?  Pain in the butt – definitely. Meanwhile my seven year old is upset that she can’t team my black work jacket with her pumpkin head hat.

Getting the gang together for the trick or treating is a logistical exercise on par with planning an Olympics. All the various participants must have an agreed meeting spot and time and a trick or treating route must be thoroughly planned.

Back at the home front lolly supplies must be topped up. Last year we left a huge bowl of assorted fun sized chocolates for passers by. The Snickers, Crunchies and Mars Bars disappeared with alarming speed but the Cherry Ripes were left untouched – all night. This proves there is something wrong with people because Cherry Ripes are awesome. What is it about the combination of dark chocolate, cherries and coconut that the young folk fail to appreciate?

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There are two kind of people in the world – those who appreciate Cherry Ripes and those with no taste buds.

Halloween love or loathe? Do you get into it or is it just one extra hassle in a schedule jam packed with hassles?

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This guy wins the internet with his 50 Shades of Grey costume

Love

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The pathetic middle aged fan guurling bit at the end.

Halloween would be an ideal time for a hawt vampire to turn up but no cigar – at least not at my place. Its not as if there’s any shortage of hawt vampires in the culture. In fact amid a cast of thousands of sexy vampires I can only think of two that I’d kick out as it were –

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Nosferatu – should I say Nawthawtsferatu &

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Gary Oldman

However

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Taika can stay…

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as can Jermaine. (IFL-Jermaine – it is known)

Anyhow – hold on to your juglars ladies because just when you thought the vampire franchises were safely back in their coffins they’ve returned from the undead in the form of a rebooted Lestat.

We’ve seen Anne Rice’s iconic character portrayed by

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Tom Cruise – the only time he has ever appealed – blame it on the candelabra.

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and the one time ‘next big thing’ – Stuart Townsend

Now according to press speculation – its Jared Leto’s turn. This is problematic for me as an amateur casting agent because whilst Jared Leto’s look is on fleek, there is much evidence to suggest he is an arsehole. I cant support the casting of known arseholes.

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The next hawt vampire – well that’s just dandy.

What say we hand the coffin and cape to Nicholas Hoult instead? Anyone got any better ideas? I dont know much about the young and up coming talent because half your age plus seven rule. However perhaps I could draw on the wisdom of the crowd for this one.

12 thoughts on “First World Problems – Halloween

  1. Can’t believe the cherry ripes were untouched, what is wrong with th youth of today?!

    My daughter is obsessed with “Aloise” thanks to ABC2 but alas I am the grinch of Halloween, so she misses out.

  2. I want to see a photo of the cupcake!! We did very basic costumes in our house – our kids prefer more cute than scary, although my daughter’s broken collarbone jutting out did make her look a little gruesome.

  3. That 50 shades of grey costume is hilarious. My three girls decided to give Halloween a miss this year, they are all knee deep in major exams and feeling the pressure (yr 9, 11 & 12). I can’t wait till they are over.

  4. Bah ha ha!!! I hate Halloween for the reasons you so eloquently stated above. My 4-year-old son’s version of a costume involves putting his shirt on backwards and wearing an old eye mask. Hallelujah! Works for me.

  5. I love a Mumabs history lesson. I love Halloween. And as far as sexy goes, look no further than Aiden Turner in Being Human. HELLO! PLEASE BITE MY NECK! Also, I’m pretty sure that Tom Cruise is an arse as all. And now Brad Pitt, too. Sigh.

    • I could write an essay in response to this.

      Firstly have just come off a Being Human binge and nearly passed out on several occasions because HAWTNESS. Anyhoo my feelings toward AT are well documented but he is not right for Lestat. Lestat has an ethereal quality which Jared Leto embodies. Alas JL is the arseholiest of arseholes.

      Yes no one is arguing that Tom Cruise is not an A-list arsehole. However Interview with a vampire was released in 1994. We had no idea what Tom Cruise and indeed Brad Pitt would become. Christian Slater and Antonio Banderas were in it too (what a veritable time capsule of 90s crumpet). Little did we know that Christian would succumb to the ravages of drugs and Antonio would succumb to Melanie Griffith.

  6. Not a Halloween lover, in fact I hate it. Kids lining up to my door to take lollies all while forgetting their manners. Ba humbug!!!

  7. Love it, love dressing up and decorating the front porch, my 3.5 year old loves it and eagerly greeted all of our trick or treaters who were all polite, courteous and restrained with their chocolate selection. Lots of mini Cherry Ripes left over here and I was not mad about it, likewise my husband with the Turkish Delights.

  8. LOVE the idea of Nicholas Hoult! You get my vote for real actual casting agent. (And we Victorians had a public holiday on Tuesday. There was definitely alcohol consumption along with the trick or treating on Monday night. Just not for me – hooray for gastro.) x

  9. I’m not at all a fan think it’s a waste of money and an excuse to binge on sugar! I’m a Halloween baaahumbug. Thanks for the reminder to re watch some old classics! Now a horror movie I DO love!

  10. Oh there are so many Halloween grinches! LOL! I always begged my parents can we celebrate it but was always told it was too American! It’s a fun day to dress up. I never hear of any tricks given out so I’d say it’s harmless. Pretty sure we were obsessed with mixed bags of lollies as kids so in comparrison my kids have way less suger than I ever did. I love the tradition is spreading to Australia. Providing it’s supervised and kids are grateful and polite I’m all for it 🙂 #teamIBOT

  11. My boys went trick or treating sans costumes. Apparently they are scary enough as they are! And you know me, I’ll eat any chocolate that isn’t nailed down, including cherry ripes.

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