I don’t know how it crept into our culture but at some point over the past three decades Australians have eagerly embraced Halloween. I wish the nation could unembrace it because frankly Halloween is a pain up my wazoo.
Back in the good old days all we knew of Halloween (and indeed of much of life in general) we learned from American sit coms. Upon questioning my parents about why missed all the fun I was told (and I paraphrase) –
That is sepo garbage and we’re not the 51st State of the USA yet.
The term ‘sepo’ of course comes from ‘septic tank’ rhyming slang for yank. That sort of turn of phrase is now as rare as the humble septic tank itself and I kind of miss it. Anyhow I accepted that ‘sepo’ garbage was somehow damaging despite consuming American TV and music on a daily basis and that Halloween was un-Australian. Australians did ANZAC Day not Halloween.
Gradually, almost imperceptibly the celebration gained a foothold on our shores. Since the 1980s with every passing year the ranks of trick or treaters swelled until it became the raging tsunami it is today.
Halloween’s origins are sexy enough. Back in pre Roman times the Celts celebrated the festival of Samhain. This massive party involved lighting bonfires, dressing up as animals and a whole lot of mystical shite. It sounds like quite a rave. Keep in mind that the Celts were hawt and are best known for their innovative tattoo designs.
This went on for several centuries before the Romans butted in. As you know the Romans were also hawt and fond of orgies. When they conquered Britain they merged Samhain with two of their own festivals – the Feralia which commemorated the passing of the dead and the Pomona which celebrated the Goddess of trees and fruit.
The festival underwent further permutations throughout the middle ages but the main thrust remained the same – bonfires, dress ups, booze and mystic shite.
Fast forward a couple of thousand years and we have a commercial behemoth – $6 billion is spent on Halloween shite in the US alone. I say shite because the overwhelming majority of Halloween paraphernalia is cheap plastic junk made the the lowest possible manufacturing standards.
For the young and hawt October 31 has morphed into a prime excuse to dress ‘sexy’ ala Mean Girls. Not that the young and hawt need such an excuse – sexiness is de rigueur on weekend.
For the primary school set its an excuse to binge on sugar. And binge they do. Halloween is a sugar orgy of Caligulan proportions. As it falls inconveniently this year on a Monday night there’s no parental boozing to mollify our kids’ inevitable sugar rush and statistically probable melt down.
The most annoying thing about it for this Halloween grinch is having to procure two costumes. Didn’t Book Week just end? Do I really have to do this dress up thing again, so soon?
Honestly I’m quite looking forward to my daughters entering the slutty mouse costume phase because I’ll have no involvement in it. They’ll chose their own lingerie and mouse ears and that will be that. However right now I have had to glue f*%king cotton wool to a head band because my nine year old wants to go as an ice cream sundae with sprinkles. Imaginative – yes? Pain in the butt – definitely. Meanwhile my seven year old is upset that she can’t team my black work jacket with her pumpkin head hat.
Getting the gang together for the trick or treating is a logistical exercise on par with planning an Olympics. All the various participants must have an agreed meeting spot and time and a trick or treating route must be thoroughly planned.
Back at the home front lolly supplies must be topped up. Last year we left a huge bowl of assorted fun sized chocolates for passers by. The Snickers, Crunchies and Mars Bars disappeared with alarming speed but the Cherry Ripes were left untouched – all night. This proves there is something wrong with people because Cherry Ripes are awesome. What is it about the combination of dark chocolate, cherries and coconut that the young folk fail to appreciate?
Halloween love or loathe? Do you get into it or is it just one extra hassle in a schedule jam packed with hassles?
The pathetic middle aged fan guurling bit at the end.
Halloween would be an ideal time for a hawt vampire to turn up but no cigar – at least not at my place. Its not as if there’s any shortage of hawt vampires in the culture. In fact amid a cast of thousands of sexy vampires I can only think of two that I’d kick out as it were –
Anyhow – hold on to your juglars ladies because just when you thought the vampire franchises were safely back in their coffins they’ve returned from the undead in the form of a rebooted Lestat.
We’ve seen Anne Rice’s iconic character portrayed by
Now according to press speculation – its Jared Leto’s turn. This is problematic for me as an amateur casting agent because whilst Jared Leto’s look is on fleek, there is much evidence to suggest he is an arsehole. I cant support the casting of known arseholes.
What say we hand the coffin and cape to Nicholas Hoult instead? Anyone got any better ideas? I dont know much about the young and up coming talent because half your age plus seven rule. However perhaps I could draw on the wisdom of the crowd for this one.