If social media is an accurate gauge of public opinion, the entire global population wants to give 2016 the finger.
The year began dreadfully with the deaths of David Bowie, Alan Rickman and Prince (God rest their crumpety souls) and finished with the Sam Armytage granny knickers fiasco. These awful events bookmarked twelve months of head scratching chaos.
2016 gave us the truly heinous US presidential election campaign, Brexit, a stumbling economy, an insolvable refugee crisis, Hiddleswift and the bastardization of Tim Tams.
From a personal view point, things were not too shabby. My marriage remains intact, the kids are thriving and my husband’s software business continues to push forward. I truly have no cause for complaint – but heck that’s never stopped me before. I’m here to tell you that the Mumabs, keeping in line with the world in general, suffered some shithouse fails this year.
I risk embarrassment by relating them to you now because failures make for entertaining reading. If you’ve achieved any thing at all in your life this year, my litany of shame should help you feel superior.
I was embroiled in a business fail this year – my own personal tech wreck. Back in 2015 I accepted a role with a plucky tech start up. They were an optimistic bunch who, emboldened by past successes, aimed to ‘disrupt’ their industry, becoming the next Scott Farquhar and Mike Cannon-Brookes in the process. (I truly loathe the term ‘disrupt’ now. Its as bad as ‘agile’.)
Instead the thing crashed and burned. The disaster was visible from a long way off – much like Pamela Anderson running in slow motion along the beach in that red swimsuit. Such predictability did not prevent vicious infighting and the whole affair turned ugly indeed.
The machinations behind this debacle would have made for some very interesting blog posts. It could perhaps be padded out to book form – something along the lines of ‘How to fail in business without really trying’. However as I want to work in this town again you wont be hearing the whole story from me.
Meanwhile I will say the Voluntary Administration process is quite an eye opener. Talk about corporate vultures. Malcolm Turbull’s innovation nation is likely to lead to a bloodied feast for that industry.
So I finished my debut children’s novel. Captain Outback – the hilarious tale of Jack ‘Jacko’ Jackson, a simple jackaroo who gets more than he bargained for whilst visiting an outback dunny. A bite on the arse by a genetically enhanced red back spider leaves him with superpowers.
I had my magnum opus proof read, sent it to the publishers and sat back waiting for the accolades to roll in. Soon I dreamed, I would go from the drudgery of cash flow projections and balance sheets to rubbing shoulders with the likes of Andy Griffith, Anh Do, Aaron Blabley and Richard Roxborough.
Turns out the publishing world is not yet ready for a super hero spoof with an Australian twist. My heart story was met with resounding rejection. It looks like I wont be doing any Elizabeth Gilbert style TED talks about harnessing creativity any time soon. (But I probably could do one about how to cop a perve).
In order to gain some insight into my failure I attended a children’s writing work shop with the Australian Writers Centre. I learned much from the two day course, the key takeaway being that Captain Outback bombed because it is shite. Perhaps I’ll try again with something else. I wonder if I could fashion a story around a dirty old cougar trying to cop a perve. I can just see the subheading – ‘based on a true story’.
Health and fitness fail
Once again I failed to lose weight. This arose from a chronic inability to a) exercise and b) break out of the coffee/booze cycle. As my capacity to give a shit is diminishing with each passing year I predict that I will once again fail to lose weight in 2017. My poor shape is brought into stark relief along side my husband’s chiseled abs. Bastard. My longer term prediction is that I will wear smocks for the rest of my life.
OK – this one is totally in the #first world problems bucket. I sold all my stocks out in 2011 and to my great shame have only just taken baby steps back into the market. I thought I was extremely clever buying a big four bank and an energy stock on a dip. It turns out these stocks were dipping for a reason and they continued to do so. I was not fully across developments in these industries and now I’m down about 6.5%.
I’m rationalizing this bungle with the old adage ‘It’s not timing the market. It’s time in the market.’ I’ll just sit on my position and wait for the stocks to recover – which happily they are. Meanwhile let this be a lesson to you cougars – doing your research might not prevent you from losing money on the stock market but it will stop you from feeling like a complete numpty.
How was 2016 for you? Did you smash it or get smashed?