I’ll spare you another tedious 2016 retrospective, save to say that the year just passed was a weird one. It seemed to me that the hate and anger reverberating around the press and social media has reached an unprecedented level of intensity. Never in my 46 years on earth have people appeared so thoroughly pissed off. Perhaps I’m just reading too much of the Guardian (and frequently becoming pissed off at it).
My other key takeaway from 2016 was that pundits have no freaking idea about what’s going on given that they missed Brexit, Trump et al. I decided that my opinions were as valid as any so I grabbed my crystal balls, gave them a good shine and a good hard staring at. Here is what they revealed. I note that Blind Freddy also spotted most of these.
- Peace will not come to the Middle East in 2017. Although I am not clued up on the nuances of Middle Eastern politics I’m prepared to call this one – Syria will remain a festering hell hole for the foreseeable future.When I sit to do Mumabs predictions for the year 2050, my first call will be that peace will not break out in the Middle East.
- However in 2050 I will be one heck of a dirty cougar with over 30 years of practice. I just hope Dadabs is still around to experience it.
- Back to the present – an overpaid footballer will get a skinful of grog and make a complete arse of himself .One of his ‘mates’ will film this performance and leak it to the press. The incident may or may not involve the mild mistreatment of a dog but one thing is certain – it will dominate the news cycle for at least a month.
- A white, middle aged, television presenter will say something that could be construed as sexist.The subsequent outrage will dominate the news cycle for at least a month.
- The dating habits of Karl Stefanovic will be subject to forensic scrutiny as will those of Sam Armytage. Is there a connection here? Are they dating?
- Tim Worner might last a few more weeks at the helm of Seven West. His downfall is kind of a shame given that his text messages demonstrate an incredible enthusiasm ‘on the job’.(Snigger) He also seems quite adept at the art of delegation, especially when directing his (ahem) underlings to deal with his super h&*# c$@^. However expensing your sordid assignations to the company credit card is a very bad look. As is giving your mate’s secretary a $10K bonus for (ahem) excellent performance. Imagine if the all the c-suite executives were doing it?
- Meanwhile I hope Mrs Worner hires a hawt, young Scandinavian pool boy to help out at their $9.5m waterfront home (which conveniently has a pool). Note that the use of the word hawt is redundant here. How can a Scandinavian pool boy nawt be hawt?
- Do you wish Tony Abbott would shut up and go away? Ain’t gonna happen. He’ll stick around long enough to jump on MalTurn’s political corpse.
- If you’re perplexed by what Trump will or wont do as POTUS, you’re hardly alone. Second guessing Trump will continue to be the global media’s primary focus.
- Trump’s bound to make a steady stream of obnoxious comments and may even manage to grab a few pussies. However it’s unlikely that he’ll build a wall or deport 11 million illegals.
- On the other hand he may slash taxes in the US and that will be really interesting. I say this because the US Government has a mind boggling amount of debt. Only 4 years ago they were panicking about the fiscal cliff. We whinge about our supposedly crippling government debt – currently estimated at 37% of GDP. By contrast the USA government debt stands at around 104% of GDP. Trump’s touted business and personal tax cuts could rip up to $12 trillion (12 trillion) from government revenue over the next decade. He also intends throwing shit wads of cash at infrastructure and the military. None of this adds up. It’ll either be the dawning of a golden age or the bankrupting of the nation. Perhaps both. Grab your popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show.
- Our hearts will break as more of our favorite celebrities leave the building. However Keith (Keef) Richards wont be among them. The dude is immortal.
- Keef’s band mate Mick Jagger wont be leaving us either. He will remain as potent as ever and will most likely impregnate another 20-something supermodel.
- If you are a 20-something super model consider yourself warned and duck for cover.
- Speaking of 20-something hawties, Taylor Swift will date a string of steaming, hawt, tasty crumpets. Biatch! It should be illegal to have that much fun. Meanwhile if she goes anywhere near Aiden Turner I will spontaneously combust.
- If there’s a terrorist cell, or worse still – a bunch of welfare bludgers, lurking in our amorphous urban sprawl rest assured The Daily Telegraph will sniff them out. God save the hordes of welfare bludging terrorists out there from the wrath of Murdoch.
- Not much will be said about corporate welfare though. But its a conversation that desperately needs to happen.
- There will be seven episodes of Game of Thrones this year. And we thought 2016 was bad!!!! TV’s most epic show will be epically over hyped yet again but we will lap up every hunkalicious, muscle bound, leather clad moment of it.
- Vikings has a polarizing effect on the Aussie Mummy Blogging scene. I know that most of you don’t give a flying proverbial but some of us care very deeply. OK. I’m here to tell you that Ragnar wont last the next season. He’ll be sent to Valhalla via King Aelle’s snake pit. Vikings season 5 will be lead by Jonathan Rhys Meyers rather than Travis Fimmel making the whole affair considerably less hawt. #Sorry.
- Those pink flamingo pool floatie things are going to be pretty freaking passe in twelve months time. They’ll look most unfashionable in your pool. #first world problems.
- Whilst Brangelina gave us 2016’s most tumultuous break up Pariah (James Packer and Mariah Carey) came a close second. However Mariah really looks to have found a true soul mate in back up dancer Bryan Tanaka. Just kidding – this will implode by February so enjoy the superlatively tacky spectacle whilst you can cougars.
What have I missed? Care to share your calls for 2017.
Happy New Year