Mystic Mumabs – Predictions for 2017


I’ll spare you another tedious 2016 retrospective, save to say that the year just passed was a weird one. It seemed to me that the hate and anger reverberating around the press and social media has reached an unprecedented level of intensity. Never in my 46 years on earth have people appeared so thoroughly pissed off. Perhaps I’m just reading too much of the Guardian (and frequently becoming pissed off at it).

My other key takeaway from 2016 was that pundits have no freaking idea about what’s going on given that they missed Brexit, Trump et al. I decided that my opinions were as valid as any so I grabbed my crystal balls, gave them a good shine and a good hard staring at. Here is what they revealed. I note that Blind Freddy also spotted most of these.


What do my crystal balls reveal?

  • Peace will not come to the Middle East in 2017. Although I am not clued up on the nuances of Middle Eastern politics I’m prepared to call this one – Syria will remain a festering hell hole for the foreseeable future.When I sit to do Mumabs predictions for the year 2050, my first call will be that peace will not break out in the Middle East.
  • However in 2050 I will be one heck of a dirty cougar with over 30 years of practice.  I just hope Dadabs is still around to experience it.
  • Back to the present – an overpaid footballer will get a skinful of grog and make a complete arse of himself .One of his ‘mates’ will  film this performance and leak it to the press. The incident may or may not involve the mild mistreatment of a dog but one thing is certain – it will dominate the news cycle for at least a month.

In 2017 we will tut tut about drunken footballers

  • A white, middle aged, television presenter will say something that could be construed as sexist.The subsequent  outrage will dominate the news cycle for at least a month.
Collingwood President Eddie McGuire In Racial Row

If Eddie Mcquire is alone in the forest and he says something but no one is around to hear it – is it still sexist?

  • The dating habits of Karl Stefanovic will be subject to forensic scrutiny as will those of Sam Armytage. Is there a connection here? Are they dating?
  • Tim Worner might last a few more weeks at the helm of Seven West. His downfall is kind of a shame given that his text messages demonstrate an incredible enthusiasm ‘on the job’.(Snigger) He also seems quite adept at the art of delegation, especially when directing his (ahem) underlings to deal with his super h&*# c$@^.  However expensing your sordid assignations to the company credit card is a very bad look. As is giving your mate’s secretary a $10K bonus for (ahem) excellent performance. Imagine if the all the c-suite executives were doing it?

Welcome to Sacksville – population you two.

  • Meanwhile I hope Mrs Worner hires a hawt, young Scandinavian pool boy to help out at their $9.5m waterfront home (which conveniently has a pool). Note that the use of the word hawt is redundant here. How can a Scandinavian pool boy nawt be hawt?
  • Do you wish Tony Abbott would shut up and go away? Ain’t gonna happen. He’ll stick around long enough to jump on MalTurn’s political corpse.

Stop exaggerating TA!

  • If you’re perplexed by what Trump will or wont do as POTUS, you’re hardly alone. Second guessing Trump will continue to be the global media’s primary focus.
  • Trump’s bound to make a steady stream of obnoxious comments and may even manage to grab a few pussies. However it’s unlikely that he’ll build a wall or deport 11 million illegals.
  • On the other hand he may slash taxes in the US and that will be really interesting. I say this because the US Government has a mind boggling amount of debt. Only 4 years ago they were panicking about the fiscal cliff. We whinge about our supposedly crippling government debt – currently estimated at 37% of GDP. By contrast the USA government debt stands at around 104% of GDP.  Trump’s touted business and personal tax cuts could rip up to  $12 trillion (12 trillion) from government revenue over the next decade. He also intends  throwing shit wads of cash at infrastructure and the military. None of this adds up.  It’ll either be the dawning of a golden age or the bankrupting of the nation. Perhaps both. Grab your popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show.

Trump memes wont get old in 2017

  • Our hearts will break as more of our favorite celebrities leave the building. However Keith (Keef) Richards wont be among them. The dude is immortal.

Despite his best efforts – Keef wont go to rock n roll heaven this year.

  • Keef’s band mate Mick Jagger wont be leaving us either. He will remain as potent as ever and will most likely impregnate another 20-something supermodel.

Super models still need fear this man.

  • If you are a 20-something super model consider yourself warned and duck for cover.
  • Speaking of 20-something hawties, Taylor Swift will date a string of steaming, hawt, tasty crumpets. Biatch! It should be illegal to have that much fun. Meanwhile if she goes anywhere near Aiden Turner I will spontaneously combust.
  • If there’s a terrorist cell, or worse still – a bunch of welfare bludgers, lurking in our amorphous urban sprawl rest assured The Daily Telegraph will sniff them out. God save the hordes of welfare bludging terrorists out there from the wrath of Murdoch.

Thank god Murdoch is alerting us to dole bludgers.

  • Not much will be said about corporate welfare though. But its a conversation that desperately needs to happen.
  • There will be seven episodes of Game of Thrones this year. And we thought 2016 was bad!!!! TV’s most epic show will be epically over hyped yet again but we will lap up every hunkalicious, muscle bound, leather clad moment of it.

Mo dragons, mo tits, mo beefcake..

  • Vikings has a polarizing effect on the Aussie Mummy Blogging scene. I know that most of you don’t give a flying proverbial but some of us care very deeply. OK. I’m here to tell you that Ragnar wont last the next season. He’ll be sent to Valhalla via King Aelle’s snake pit. Vikings season 5 will be lead by Jonathan Rhys Meyers rather than Travis Fimmel making the whole affair considerably less hawt. #Sorry.
  • Those pink flamingo pool floatie things are going to be pretty freaking passe in twelve months time. They’ll look most unfashionable in your pool. #first world problems.

Enjoy the novelty pool floatie while you can.

  • Whilst Brangelina gave us 2016’s most tumultuous break up Pariah (James Packer and Mariah Carey) came a close second. However Mariah really looks to have found a true soul mate in back up dancer Bryan Tanaka. Just kidding – this will implode by February so enjoy the superlatively tacky spectacle whilst you can cougars.

Weeeeeelllllll – if you were engaged to James Packer you’d be tempted by this too….

What have I missed? Care to share your calls for 2017.

Happy New Year



12 thoughts on “Mystic Mumabs – Predictions for 2017

  1. you are truly terrifying… I predict you are probably right.

  2. Love these! Sadly many will be spot on… and yes I can’t even imagine what DT as POTUS will get up to!!!

  3. Bahaha LOVED this!! Good ‘ol Keef and Mick. I think you’re spot on – they are immortal and will continue to impregnate young supermodels with their genes for the people of the future!! I do not understand how those flamingo thingy’s became a ‘thing’ anyway. Adios Flamingos! LOL #TeamLovinLife

  4. Still laughing.! 🙂 I love your predictions for 2017. There were so many interesting plot twists in 2016 and I have a feeling there will be more this year, especially when Trump takes office (what were they thinking??) Hold on to your hats people! #TeamLovinLife

  5. You couldn’t have predicted 2017 any better! Excuse my ignorance but who are the Worners? I’ve never heard of them. Great post! #TeamLovinLife

  6. Pure gold – you actually had me laughing out loud! I think you have missed your vocation as a see-er of the future!

  7. Hmm. Is it second guessing Trump if he probably hasn’t even thought about planning? I think the public think about his job more than he probably does…

  8. Agreed and omg mick impregnating yet another young girl www

  9. As long as GRRM doesn’t die before you finishes the next book I don’t care what else happens in 2017, lol! Can’t wait for GoT to come back, it’s not fair we have to wait so long!

  10. Loved this!! I think you’re bang on about Trump! What a turkey. It was horrific watching Obama say his last goodbyes. Nooooooo! Please don’t go!! It felt like the first time your parent left you at school. I think the meme business will be wetting themselves with glee with Trumpisms for the year ahead. I predicted Keith Richards for 2016 but you’re totally onto him – he’ll be around for another 10 or more for sure. Why 20 year old super models find grandpa Jagger hot enough to join the Jagger family I’ll never know. That’s one twisted family tree! I’m predicting Ozzie Osbourne this year. Didn’t he have an affair? Can he really survive without Sharon?!! Or what about Maraih – she’s acting very Whitney lately. lol! Happy New Year!! #teamIBOT

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