What Not To Wear
A friend of mine who has three kids yet has somehow managed to maintain a go ahead career and something resembling a social life has invited me along to the Dita Von Teese burlesque show – Strip, Strip Hooray!
Given the need to get my voluminous butt out of the house I agreed. Now I find myself shelling out good money to watch a woman disrobe. That’s just not normal for me. Dadabs reaction when I requested a leave pass was ‘so Dita is going to tease you for a couple of hours is he?’
‘Urm…. Dita’s a woman.’
Guess Dadabs feels cheated that I’m going to a girlie show while he minds the kids. Anyhow the whole burlesque thing isn’t meant to be pervy (so I tell myself). Its about sensuality, glamour and style – qualities I lack in droves.
At forty five I’m in the worst shape of my life and I’m tired . My stripper name should be something like Frau Von Frumpenstein Das Hausen Wiven. My signature move – kicking off my house slippers with reckless abandon and backflipping onto the couch.
I’m not sure that watching a gorgeous and well maintained woman cavorting in a martini glass is going to do much for my ego.
Meanwhile a more pressing question is what does one wear to such an event? A rhinestone g-string and nipple tassles being out of the question. Any suggestions would be fully appreciated but it’ll have to something stretchy (which rules out a corset!).
Hits and Old Skool
The car radio is currently on some music station – I think its 2day fm. Being the turbo nerd that I am I’d prefer ABC 702 but its not worth the kids whinging. Its not that I’m complaining about the music of today (I’d quite happily go Downtown with Macklemore or Eat Cake by the Ocean with Joe Jonas. Even Bieber is approaching tolerable lately).
The problem is this station’s slogan -‘Hits and Old Skool’. The don’t have the faintest notion as to what ‘old skool’ actually is. ‘And coming up we’ve got some old skool R&B’ the announcer will declare before dragging out some Beyonce or Rhianna. I’ve got no beef with either of these but THEY ARE NOT OLD SKOOL!!!!!! In fact if it happened after 1990 it ain’t Old Skool!
I still think Blur’s Song 2 (1997) is a radically fresh beat – Wooohooo, Wooooooohooooooo!
To my mind Old Skool is Mick Jagger not getting any Satisfaction.
Old Skool is Marc Bolan getting it on, banging a gong.
It’s Chaka Khan knocking you out at 20 paces with the sheer might of those vocals. (The Jasmine Thompson cover of Aint Nobody was a travesty)
Nevertheless the cognizanti at 2-Day Fm insist on calling stuff that was released this century ‘old skool’. Someone needs to skool them…
Netflix and Chill
Kids these days. Not only do they not comprehend the concept of ‘Old Skool’, they use the term Netflix and Chill as a euphemism for doing the business, hiding the salami, getting nasty, taking the skin boat to tuna town, banana in the fruit salad, attacking the pink fortress and jamming the clam.
To me this is debasing the noble act of vegetating in front of the tele. In middle age an evening reclining in front of box is a more enticing prospect than metaphoric netflix and chill except perhaps when this is on………
Errrrrmaaaaagaaaaaaawd!!!!!! I am ashamed that this masterpiece of hunksplotation escaped my attention for this long. However now that I am aware of it I am honor bound as a cougar to spread the word. So here goes –
Outlander focuses on an unreasonably hawt man swashbuckling around the Scottish highlands circa 1740 in a kilt.
I won’t go into the complex machinations of the plot save to say that if this crumpet had a dating profile he’d list his hobbies as sword fighting and folk-dancing (of the horizontal variety – talk about a Highland fling – Oh my!) It’s quite remarkable how much netflix and chill goes (ahem) down in 18th century Scotland considering that Netflix was not founded until 1997 and Don Draper invited chill in the 1960s.
My husband sums the whole thing up with comments like ‘this is descending into soft porn’ and ‘this guy sees more action in one episode than most men do in a month.’ Yes well – I wonder why? Take my sage advice cougars – you need to cop an eyeful.
Meanwhile its mildly disconcerting that Dadabs is watching Outlander with me but won’t sit through Vikings. Must be all of those Scottish tits……
You may also like –
and Peaky Blinders
Have you been a burlesque show?
What’s your definition of Old Skool?
Got any Netflix and chill recommendations for this old cougar?
Bonus Material – Buffet of Crumpets (Oooops – I mean Game of Thrones ) discussion.
Warning: Contains Spoilers and is deadly boring for non fans.
It’s no secret that I, like millions of middle class people with too little excitement in their lives, am obsessed by Game of Thrones. Not obsessed enough to actually read the books – God no! I want to actually see the crumpets.
Anyhow Season 6 is in full tilt and I am completely enthralled by the goings on in Westeros (and indeed Essos) despite some of the plot points being quite preposterous. I mean the Pyke stuff is eye roll inducing – Balon Greyjoy pushed off a rickety suspension bridge? This is NOT the Star Wars canon….
That aside there are some engrossing developments afoot. The storyline I am cheering hardest for revolves around my 2nd favorite character* – that kick ass dame Brienne and that big hunk of ginger lurve – Tormund. I just adore what the internet is doing with this pairing.
Unfortunately now that something kinda’ sweet is happening I fear the worst because Benioff and Weiss are assholes. I’m deeply concerned that
a) Brienne will get killed off before she gets to experience pure unbridled wildling passion
b) Worse still – Tormund will finally wear Brienne down and she’ll finally cop some sweet lovin’. The Bri-mund consummation will happen at exactly the same moment Jaime decides that twincest is for chumps and rides out to find her. Oooops. It never rains but it pours….
*Tyrion – FTW!!!!!